Sunday, December 04, 2005

Fantastic Four

It's Clobberin' Time!!!

I guess.

I'm not a big fan of this comic book. My buddy Lons over at Crushed by Inertia insists that a good movie can be made with the material. He says if you put it in it's original time period, played up the campiness, let Doctor Doom be his megalomaniac self, it can be a fun movie in the mold of "The Rocketeer".

I, on the other hand, need my comic books, or should I say Graphic Novels, to be a little more cynical. In my experience, the only time I liked reading the Fantastic Four is when they crossed over into the other hero's story lines, like if the Avengers needed back up, or if the Hulk was going on one of his mindless rampages, and the Fantastic Four was in his way. I also liked it when Sub-Mariner showed up cause he had a huge hard-on for Susan Storm. (Sorry dude, can't compete with Reed Richard's brain, not to mention his sexually pleasing, maniupulating, transforming Penis.)

On their own, however, I didn't really find the comic book interesting. For one, the Bad Guys were boring. Except for Doctor Doom, they were always dealing with Bad Guys like Mole Man, Puppetmaster, or Galactus. I think Silver Surfer, showed up now and again. Eventually it got so boring, to spice things up Richards and Storm ended up having a Son who becames a spolied God or something. Sorry, just not my bag, man.

As far as the superheroes themselves, for the most part they were also pretty boring. The powers of the Fantastic four are only cool if they decided to use them for evil. What does a super hero need to be invisible for anyways? Most super villans aren't scared of Fire. I guess stretching your body is pretty cool, but who's afraid of a rubber band, and didn't they give that same super power to the Chick in the Incredibles? So the dude has a Chick power.

The Thing on the other hand is pretty tragic. He's basically deformed, he's a freak that has super strength, but what Girl is going to go for a deformed freak who feels like coarse rock. And if there's one thing that Ben Grimm NEEDS it's tail. In the comic he hates being the Thing, all he ever wants is to turn back to being human, presumedly so he can get laid. If there's any hope for a interesting movie it lies in this character. But when your dealing with heavy subjects like self hate, depression, and deformity, will there be enough time to sell action figures? Unless your Chris Nolan, or Brian Singer, I seriouosly doubt it.

So it comes as no surprise to me that the movie ends up being exactly what I think it'll be: a
Pg-13 popcorn, puff piece. Lots of sound and fury signifiying nothing. Everyone involved in the movie do their best to make everyone happy, while trying not to embarress themselves and not offend anyone.

Mission accomplished.

The movie is utterly forgettable, maybe some kids will dig the special effects, but for the most part I had trouble staying awake.

The movie begins with Reed Richards and Ben trying to convince old buddy Doom to let them join him up on Doom's personal space station. Yeah, that's right, bitch, his personal Space Station. Turns out he built the thing to get into Jessica Alba A.K.A Sue Storm's pants. (Shit, wouldn't you if you had the money). The reason why Reed Richards, and Ben want to go up there is to study some space cloud that could potentially cure cancer, or Spinal Bifda, cure retardation in kitty cats or some shit. Of course, when they all go up there, all hell breaks out and the Fantastic Four.... or shall I say Five is born. Yup, Doom gets zapped with powers too. At this point, you obviously realize this movie is not aimed at the hard core fans of the comic.

What follows is a half hour of them trying to figure out they have powers, then Stan Lee shows up for his paycheck, er, I mean cameo, and then the last half hour is spent with them actually using their powers. The movie is obviously trying to set up a potential franchise, something I think they accomplished cause the movie inexplicably made bank.

Criticizing the actors, or directors, even the writing isn't really worth it. They all showed up, did their job, and went home, hoping to make some money.

It worked.....Unfortunately.

1 comment:

Lons said...

I could be a LOT MORE FUN than "The Rocketeer," which could use a whole lot more actual rocketeering.

Seriously...Do it 60's style...Dr. Doom really is a Cold War era tyrannical ruler of Latveria...Make the special effects, including The Thing, look, you know, good...And give it a big budget. That version of "Fantastic Four" would friggin' own everybody's ass.