I have cancer... and I'm scared

Yesterday, after a visit with the doctor they confirmed that I have a mass in my right testicle.

I'm scared.

I'm also angry at myself because I waited longer than I needed to. I keep beating myself up about that. What was I thinking?

So stupid.

Obviously, a part of me was in denial. I'm the poster child for procrastination. I'm not sure it's productive to keep beating myself up about it. But I can't help it.

Thoughts of the cancer spreading is keeping my mind racing. A big part of me just wants to go to the kitchen counter, grab a knife and cut the mass out myself. I hate that it's inside me.

My next step is to have my primary care practitioner refer me to a urologist. I have an appointment today.  But another option is to go to another hospital that the ER doctor recommended from UCLA and hope their referral will get me to see a urologist sooner.

I don't have insurance. I have medi-cal or whatever they are calling it now.

I hope I don't slip through the cracks.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I read on The Testicular Cancer Society page that I should start a page on the subject. To keep loved ones "updated". But I suspect it's more about venting.

Which I admit IS helping me right now.

Keeps me out of my head. Keeps me from pacing. Keeps me from imagining the worst case scenarios and from beating myself up too much.  I decided to write this post here on my old blog, Ray's Lucky 13. Maybe it will bring me some luck. It's been awhile. Maybe nobody will read it. I don't know.

I have been working on my entertainment blog mostly nowadays. But I don't think this subject is appropriate for that site.

I don't think ball cancer qualifies as entertainment.

I keep thinking of cancer movies.

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen has a happy ending. But more often than not cancer movies don't end well.  I know Tom Green had testicular cancer and is alive and well. So is Lance Armstrong. In fact according to stats, recovery is very high for testicular cancer. On average over 90%.

I hope I'm not in the minority.

I'm scared my kids are gonna grow up without a father. I'm scared Erin will have to raise them alone.

I don't want to die.

Kids are asleep right now. I just want to hug them so hard that I'm inside of them. Like a warm blanket.

I know people will say don't worry. Everything will be fine.

But will it?

I'm scared.

I'm tired of reading cancer information sites.

Best case scenario is surgery. Chemotherapy. Radiation.

Fun.

I keep thinking I'm experiencing advanced signs of the cancer. Back pain. Stomach pain. Fevers. Headaches.  It's probably just in my head.

Probably.

To be honest,  I didn't really have many signs besides the hard feel of my testicle and the heaviness down there. I strained my back moving the kiddie pool a couple of weeks back. So a part of me thought that the groin pain was because I pulled something.

I was hoping it was a hernia.

I guess I also felt fatigue. But I work graveyard shift and I don't really get to sleep well, so I'm sort of always tired. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't suspect something sooner. I kept waiting for another symptom. To get me going.

So stupid. No excuse.

Don't borrow trouble. Stay positive.

That's what Erin says and I keep telling myself.

It was hard telling Erin. Then telling my mom and sister. I felt like I let them down.

Not sure if I'm crying for them or for myself.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you. I don't really want the drama.

But I'm scared.

Keep happy thoughts. Stay positive.

My Favorite Films of 2010

Honorable Mention: (In no particular order)
* The King's Speech
* The Ghost Writer
* Toy Story 3
* Macgruber
* The Green Zone
* Hot Tub Time Machine
* The Other Guys
* Machete
* The Black Swan


2010 was a good year for silly comedies for me. In retrospect, the movie year creeped up on me with some of the year's great films being released BEFORE awards season. I'm not sure how this year ranks in terms of past years. But I think there were some definite real gems out there this year. So without further ado... here are MY personal favorite films of 2010.

10. Shutter Island


Haunting, frightening and ultimately disturbing film from Martin Scorsese. The film is anchored by a fantastic underrated performance by Leonardo DiCaprio. Echoes of Stanley Kubrick in this greatly executed and unique film.


9. The Town


Great crime thriller with some unexpected humor and adult romance. Surprising understated performance and no-nonsense direction from Ben Affleck.


8. Kick Ass


The film made headlines for the controversial use of a gun wielding minor as a protagonist... yet the film is undeniably entertaining, with some great action and engaging visuals.


7. The American


I'm a big fan of minimalism in a film, obviously... since David Mamet is my favorite writer. But this bare to the bones drama and thriller is engrossing and hypnotic. Great and haunting performance by George Clooney.

6. The Fighter

As a fan of boxing it was a real no-brainer that I'd love this film. But what really stands out in this film is Christian Bale's amazing performance. Easily the best performance by an actor this year. Amy Addams is also fantastic in the film, as well as an affable and solid Mark Wahlberg.

5. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

I'm probably supposed to be too old to enjoy a film like this, but Edgar Wright's direction as well as the exciting visual concept and fantastic production design, combined with an affable cast make this truly one of the best, most original movies of 2010.


4. Inception


Complex and non-traditional story telling aside, this film provided the best action and most enjoyable pure movie experience of 2010. The only thing holding it back from being my favorite film was the fact, that after repeat viewings, the film suffers from a bit too much pretension and no matter how one tries to justify it... the ending is just unsatisfying.

3. Winter's Bone


The biggest surprise of 2010 for me was this award winning independent film. I was engrossed from the very first frame. This movie takes us into a world not many movie going audiences have ever seen. What struck me the most was the authenticity and sincerity of the film's simple story and its rooted realistic characters. Excellent performances from Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes.

2. True Grit

Well... EVERYONE knows I LOVE a western and this was a Coen Brothers spun western no less. The film was destined to land on my top ten list. What I really enjoyed was the non-traditional take the Coen brothers took with the action pieces. Most of the movie's showdowns are viewed from a cliff side view from a distance. Unusual and unique considering western's notoriously use close-ups. But the Coen Brothers turned the convention on its head... which left a haunting, disturbing and uniquely helpless perspective of realistic violence. Fantastic performances by Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and newcomer Hailee Steinfeld.


And my Favorite Film of 2010 is...









1. The Social Network

A movie about Facebook? Well... obviously there's a lot more going on here than just that. Fantastic quotable dialogue, steady confident direction, sincere, affable as well as...not so affable characters and a fascinating (mostly) true story about a group of friends achieving the Modern American Dream... and the highs & lows of what that entails. This all makes this not only a great film for 2010, but truly one of the great social commentary films in modern film history.

Top 10 Lists:
Roger Ebert , Quentin Tarantino, Harry Knowles, Capone , Peter Travers , Metacritic, Drew McWeeny