Tuesday, June 04, 2013

I have cancer... and I'm scared

Yesterday, after a visit with the doctor they confirmed that I have a mass in my right testicle.

I'm scared.

I'm also angry at myself because I waited longer than I needed to. I keep beating myself up about that. What was I thinking?

So stupid.

Obviously, a part of me was in denial. I'm the poster child for procrastination. I'm not sure it's productive to keep beating myself up about it. But I can't help it.

Thoughts of the cancer spreading is keeping my mind racing. A big part of me just wants to go to the kitchen counter, grab a knife and cut the mass out myself. I hate that it's inside me.

My next step is to have my primary care practitioner refer me to a urologist. I have an appointment today.  But another option is to go to another hospital that the ER doctor recommended from UCLA and hope their referral will get me to see a urologist sooner.

I don't have insurance. I have medi-cal or whatever they are calling it now.

I hope I don't slip through the cracks.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I read on The Testicular Cancer Society page that I should start a page on the subject. To keep loved ones "updated". But I suspect it's more about venting.

Which I admit IS helping me right now.

Keeps me out of my head. Keeps me from pacing. Keeps me from imagining the worst case scenarios and from beating myself up too much.  I decided to write this post here on my old blog, Ray's Lucky 13. Maybe it will bring me some luck. It's been awhile. Maybe nobody will read it. I don't know.

I have been working on my entertainment blog mostly nowadays. But I don't think this subject is appropriate for that site.

I don't think ball cancer qualifies as entertainment.

I keep thinking of cancer movies.

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen has a happy ending. But more often than not cancer movies don't end well.  I know Tom Green had testicular cancer and is alive and well. So is Lance Armstrong. In fact according to stats, recovery is very high for testicular cancer. On average over 90%.

I hope I'm not in the minority.

I'm scared my kids are gonna grow up without a father. I'm scared Erin will have to raise them alone.

I don't want to die.

Kids are asleep right now. I just want to hug them so hard that I'm inside of them. Like a warm blanket.

I know people will say don't worry. Everything will be fine.

But will it?

I'm scared.

I'm tired of reading cancer information sites.

Best case scenario is surgery. Chemotherapy. Radiation.


I keep thinking I'm experiencing advanced signs of the cancer. Back pain. Stomach pain. Fevers. Headaches.  It's probably just in my head.


To be honest,  I didn't really have many signs besides the hard feel of my testicle and the heaviness down there. I strained my back moving the kiddie pool a couple of weeks back. So a part of me thought that the groin pain was because I pulled something.

I was hoping it was a hernia.

I guess I also felt fatigue. But I work graveyard shift and I don't really get to sleep well, so I'm sort of always tired. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't suspect something sooner. I kept waiting for another symptom. To get me going.

So stupid. No excuse.

Don't borrow trouble. Stay positive.

That's what Erin says and I keep telling myself.

It was hard telling Erin. Then telling my mom and sister. I felt like I let them down.

Not sure if I'm crying for them or for myself.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you. I don't really want the drama.

But I'm scared.

Keep happy thoughts. Stay positive.


Unknown said...

I am so sorry and so sad for you! You and Erin have been such an inspiration to me. There is absolutely no need for guilt, in fact, that might make it worse, you know, stress is toxic. Focus on all the things you've done right, focus on your kids, get down on the floor and play and try to be happy, you deserve it. We will be sending you positive energy!

Unknown said...

Hi Ray, it's Christian Hammad from ayz. I'm so sorry to hear about this devastating news, but i hope you can keep your head high and be man your family needs you to be. Fear is normal, but don't dwell on things beyond your control, for your sanity, if nothing else. Please keep us updated on your progress, and thank you for sharing your story.

Sexual Heath and Body Image said...

Thinking of you. Stay positive, Ray. You are surrounded by people that love you and will be there for you. You're not stupid at all. You are brave and a good man. Keep writing. Be as strong, yet full of ease as you can. Lots of hugs to you, Erin and the family. Miss you!

Luke said...

Absolutely thinking of you and your family. As you say 90% turns out well.

t romy said...

Keep your head high . . . stay brave . . it is not that bad anymore . .. you're right 90% chance you'll beat it . . ...if it is of any consolation . . I did and it was more serious than what you have . . . had the operation 2010. You can call me anytime . . . 626 369 5006 . . T. Romy

Unknown said...

I think this blog is awesome and it will help many people realize that they are not alone. You are brave in sharing your intimate thoughts which make me think you are also strong and even though you are scared, you will pull through, even though it will be hell getting there. My thoughts are with you. Try to stay positive and stop beating yourself up. use your energy now to move forward. Keep us updated. Big hug to you and your family.